Thursday, January 22, 2004

Lately I have been feeling a sense of displacement, that I’m not sure where I’m going or what I’ll do once I get there. Cognitively, I know that God’s plan is in action, that He is holding us in His hands, but deep in my gut I rebel against that, wanting to be in control myself. It’s hard to learn all over again the basic lesson of faith: God is God, and I’m not. If only the future was more certain, if only things had worked out the way I planned, if only, if only, if only . . . . So often lately I’ve been living in the “if only.” I suppose that someday God just may say to me, “If only you had asked Me, if only you had trusted Me more, I could have been your comfort and guide.” The hard lesson won is the lesson longest remembered, or so I have learned in the past. I guess I need to learn it all over again. (sigh)

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