Friday, February 18, 2005

Odd the way some things strike you.

Looking at these images--the ones I developed as part of my recent church planting efforts--for the first time in quite a while. I was pleasantly astonished to find that, for me, they still carry the same emotive power they did before. There is surprisingly little of the bitter regret attached to them that I thought I might find.

This one is, obviously, a photo-negative effect of what I had developed as the primary image for the church. I like the way it remains subtle . . . the cross seems to fade in from the dark background.

Monday, February 14, 2005

Last night I woke up at 4:00 a.m. and couldn’t believe it was that early already. The same thing at 6:00. Tried desperately to capture some sense of sleep, but it eluded me. My “rest” was an onion-skin of sleep. Thin. A dry and brittle sleep.Sleep shouldn’t be like that. I wanted to sleep the sleep of the mighty oaks, with tendrils of rest creeping inexorably into every part of my body, the roots of sleep anchored deep in the rich, loamy earth. The sleep that gently undulates with the cycles of life as the wind sways my boughs and sighs as I creak gently. A living, expansive sleep. Not this dead thing that assaulted me with its dry tinder, stealing away my life, stealing away my life.

Saturday, February 12, 2005

Boy, do I feel better today. More focus. Even simple things like balancing the bank accounts seem to help get back on track, recapture a bit of "why am I here?" type of thinking.

Nothing profound to say today. Today I'm just a regular joe trying to make ends meet and enjoying the day off. Yet even though I feel quite a bit better today I'm noticing some underlying tension. The demons are still there, lurking, biding their time until the next wave.

So . . . I'm not really up to par yet. Really not quite myself. Don't know what it's going to take to feel 100% again. I'd suppose the only thing will be time, distance, a change of venue. In the meantime, I'm still here, and still have to perform the daily tasks set before me. Is it enough just to say that we'll get along day by day? I guess we'll see.

p.s. . . . it's good to have a family

Friday, February 11, 2005


Since getting signed on at Blogspot, I've been bringing my old blog over from my website and reading through them as I did. Weird that the stuff I was going through a year ago are some of the same dilemmas I'm facing again now.

But why was my reaction so different then? I mean, wow . . . I had some real good insights. I don't have the same stuff now. Then I was weak but made strong through Christ. Now . . . well, now I just feel dead inside most of the time. That's a hard thing to admit, but there it is nonetheless. I feel like I've lost my sense of purpose, and life is just a matter of functioning.

Is that any way for a preacher to feel or behave? It seems hypocritical, somehow. I want the people to feel God's grace on a deep, deep level . . . yet I myself feel more like a hollow shell. My mind's eye looks inward and sees a dark chasm filled with gray, swirling mists. Indistinct and passionless. No man, just a prettily decorated bauble, fragile and empty.
What to do, what to do? Brand new to the blogger. Been doing it for a while on my personal website, but thought I'd bring my blog over here for some more exposure and interaction. For that matter, it seemed good to me to make blogging a few steps easier.

So here is the mandatory first throw-away blog. Big whoop. I'll try and import my old blogs from my site . . . who knows? Maybe I'll even host this blog off-site.

Edited to add:

Yes, I will definitely import in my old blogs. Everything you see before this date was brought in from my personal website.