Friday, February 11, 2005

Strange.

Since getting signed on at Blogspot, I've been bringing my old blog over from my website and reading through them as I did. Weird that the stuff I was going through a year ago are some of the same dilemmas I'm facing again now.

But why was my reaction so different then? I mean, wow . . . I had some real good insights. I don't have the same stuff now. Then I was weak but made strong through Christ. Now . . . well, now I just feel dead inside most of the time. That's a hard thing to admit, but there it is nonetheless. I feel like I've lost my sense of purpose, and life is just a matter of functioning.

Is that any way for a preacher to feel or behave? It seems hypocritical, somehow. I want the people to feel God's grace on a deep, deep level . . . yet I myself feel more like a hollow shell. My mind's eye looks inward and sees a dark chasm filled with gray, swirling mists. Indistinct and passionless. No man, just a prettily decorated bauble, fragile and empty.

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